32. Living in Survival Mode: How to Stop Surpressing Your Inner Desire

Where do you focus your energy? Do you notice positive relationships in your life and a feeling of purpose? 

If you experience misalignment often, you may be in survival mode. Suppressing your inner soul desire with numbing, doing unfulfilling work, surrounding yourself with uninspiring people and a lack of gratitude for the daily gifts we are given contribute. It's your choice.

Wisdom and integrity are not always assumed because of age. The repeat choices we choose reflect back to us as our life experience.

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Transcript

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Sarah Swift 0:00

Welcome to the Integrative Mother Experience Podcast. I'm your host, Sarah Swift. I've been married to my husband for 28 years, and we are raising three children. As a business owner since my early 20s, I am here having conversations about mamas wearing multiple hats, feeling like they need to choose between their work and their family because there isn't enough time for both. Time is an asset that we can't get back. It's the quality that matters. I can't wait for you to join me. Welcome back, beautiful mamas. Today's episode is going to be short but very sweet. It's going to be a deep conversation, and I really hope that when you're done listening, you'll pull out your journal or a notebook or a piece of paper and write a few things down. So let's dive in. We're going to be talking about living in survival mode, and when you're living in survival mode, you're suppressing your inner desires. So why we're going to talk about this today is overwhelm and stress and people-pleasing can lead to a perpetual cycle of living in survival mode. All of us as business owners and mothers know that we're serving all day long in different areas. And when you're in survival mode, oftentimes you're not stopping to check in with yourself, and when your cup is depleted and you're running on empty, how do you think the people that you're serving, whether that's your family or the people in your business, employees or customers, are feeling? They're not getting the full filled-up version of you, for sure. So let's start with the first question. What is a life well-lived? It seems like such a simple question, but I think oftentimes we don't stop to reevaluate this. And this question may change in different seasons of your life, but your reality is always mirrored back to you because it's all the choices that you make leading up to what you're seeing as your reality now. So if you are having physical issues and you're wondering why, you can probably track back to choices that you've made that may have led to an injury or repetitive motion that your body just couldn't handle over a long period of time, not taking breaks, et cetera. So write down what is a life well-lived for me. It can be as many answers as you wish. It can be one sentence. But let's start with that. Some examples that I'm going to share for me personally, is space in my schedule. Time has always been my number one asset, period. I feel more filled up when I can look at my week ahead and I can see a little bit of space. Even seeing a little bit of space in my day. That's how I am aligned best. I don't work best in my home, in my place of business, or even interacting with those that I care about when I'm just overwhelmed with a lot of people's needs and the energy is just sucked right out of me. I need that space in my schedule. I also thrive in a space that's clean and uncluttered. So if there's a lot of papers around me, a lot of physical clutter on my counter or in my workspace or in my car, I can feel that tightness, that overwhelm. It really pulls on me in a negative way Also, for me, I really cherish the simple things, and this is super important to me. So that's regular date nights with my husband, daily walks with my dog, Nora, family meals, the space and time to actually cook some of these family meals. My husband and I actually do take turns, and sometimes we do cook together. But I really enjoy cooking, and I didn't know that about myself for a lot of decades because I wasn't around during that time, so I didn't have the space to even explore that this might be something I enjoy. But then as I was making better decisions and overcoming some of my health issues, and I wanted to choose differently what I was eating and what I was going to be providing for my family, it only made sense that I would be doing some of the cooking as well. And then also travel is huge for me, and as you know from previous episodes, I've been doing a lot of that lately. I did not spend the first several decades of my life doing travel. It just wasn't something that was part of my life, but I had always had the desire. I want to explore new places, and it's been so joyful. I do know that this is something that I'm going to continue in my life, and I'm going to make it a priority. And lastly, my friends and family. So this means my extended family and my friendships that I cherish. For me, it's the quality. I don't need to do it often to nurture these relationships because the time of my life that I'm still in where I don't have a lot of extra space on my schedule, I really enjoy just having time with my family on birthdays and holidays and some intentional coffee or dinner dates with my girlfriends, where we're just actually asking about each other's lives, and we're catching up in a really pleasant way. And we're not talking about the weather and gossip and things that I just don't care to talk about. That doesn't light me up, and I will quite honestly avoid those interactions with people that tend to lean in that direction. And it doesn't mean I don't care about them if they're part of my family or part of my past. But it does mean that I'm not intentionally going to choose to nurture those relationships on a regular basis. So that's my examples, and I hope that you have thought about what you really want. And when I say this, what I mean is Not what people say you should want because that's the caveat to this. So not what your parents or your grandparents or teachers at school or people around you in your career field feel that you should do, but what does your life well-lived look like? So what you'll find is when you really sit with this question, you'll find that you'll have known all along, but oftentimes it's buried. It's buried because you haven't actually allowed yourself to feel the possibility because you've probably told yourself that's not possible, or nobody in my family has done that, or nobody in my career field has done that. But possibilities are everywhere. And under all the shoulds from society, family, people in your career field, maybe even other moms, you always have a choice, period. Hear me on that. You always have a choice. So you can choose to take that next small step towards what you've known all along if you're not moving towards a life that's well-lived for you. And maybe you are, and that's wonderful, and then you can bless those around you with the example of what it feels like to live a life well-lived, fully aligned to you When you see it, you can't unsee it. That's what I've learned. And it's so interesting because lately I've been having so many aha moments, both from people that I really truly respect and trust in my life that help guide me, and more importantly, just coming back home to myself, to what I've always actually known. And I know when I've gone in a different direction, and that was living in survival mode. And it's interesting because I did it for so long that now that I see it, I can't unsee it. It's just crystal clear. And I can see when I self-abandon myself, and I can see that really clearly in others now. I'm just hyper-aware of it. So I have to really choose wisely when I'm noticing it that it's not something that always needs to be verbalized or pointed out. I can just simply notice it. And I can love someone and care for them deeply and let them have their own life and choices. It's only when I hear the complaining about something that, quote unquote, "should be different," then I'm taking the opportunity to speak up and say, "Well- Have you made the first step? Have you made the phone call? In a loving way, is how I'm approaching these situations, but being in the industry I've been in for so many decades, and then also being around people in general that oftentimes have a negative mindset, I'm not here to be the listening ear anymore of validating that it's everybody else's fault all the time. Yes, sometimes people do terrible things, and terrible things do happen to wonderful people. But a lot of the times, it's just life mirroring back to you. And enabling people to continue to have that victim mentality is not something that I want to be a part of because I believe that we can all choose differently. So what energizes you is my next question. And then beyond that, what sucks the energy from you? I think these are really valid questions that a life well-lived, which is not in survival mode, you're going to ask yourself. The third question is going to be, what am I resisting? And oh, do I know this one well. I have such deep, aligned, respected relationships with a few women that will call me out on my resistance. And every time, I can see it afterwards, and I work on it. And I will change because when they point it out, I now have a pattern of unraveling it and coming out on the other side in such a positive way that I know that they're right. This is a trusted group of women, and they really do a good job of showing me what I'm resisting. People-pleasing is number one on that list. That is a default that I have to work on often, along with self-abandoning. And for me, it always comes back to shedding layers because when I'm in overwhelm, I pile more things on. I'll take on more tasks for the people around me. I'll say yes to things that I want to say no to. And it's a pattern I now can't unsee, but I'm not truly being myself. And so when you realize these things, you have to ask yourself, who were you before someone told you who to be? Yeah. Pause on that. Because we're all designed very differently, and those of us that have multiple siblings and/or multiple children or are in a workplace amongst multiple people working with you, for you, or customers, or all of the above, we all know that there are many different personalities. There are definitely many different human designs of people, how people were made, and what they're here to do and not here to do. And purpose, remember, it doesn't need to be a career. So your purpose or purposes on being here doesn't have to be what you do for a living or how you make money. I think that's the biggest aha for people because when people get to a point in their life where they're questioning, "What is my purpose?" It can be so simple. It can be for people that are retired. Maybe your purpose is now that you have time, maybe you're reaching out to people in your church community that can't get out of their homes. Maybe you're bringing a dessert or cooking a meal. Maybe if you have grandchildren, you're reaching out to them and not waiting for them to reach out to you and asking them how they are and nurturing those relationships deeper. Maybe it is for those of you that are young moms, your purpose is to be where your children are thriving, volunteering in the classroom, being on the sidelines of activities for them, helping them with their homework, just being that safe space that they need. Purpose does not have to be what you do for a living or how you make money. So I want you to think about not being the same. We are all different. So repeating the same negative patterns. When you're really reflecting on these things, if you look back at how life mirrors to you, you will see how the negative patterns show up. You're not here to earn love. That is such an ick feeling, and it's a safety and survival strategy. It's trying to be part of the community. And we all have it inside of us. It is human nature. But you should never feel like you have to earn love from people. You are worthy as you are. God put you here for a reason. And if you're here for another day, there is a purpose for you to be here. And earning love is not part of it. I want to use the example of what I'll call the olden days, because for me at my age, it just, it seems like so long ago, but I've heard all these stories and you see it in shows and movies. The taverns, as they called them, which today I think they're mostly called bars, but taverns and beauty shops. So in these places of business, in communities where people would gather, it was gossip, talking about others and feelings of superiority that oftentimes happened very unconsciously. And what happens in these situations when it's not wise to be sharing with certain people about certain things and at certain moments. Can you imagine in a place where people are drinking and they're not fully conscious how stories can change and grow? Or in a beauty shop where there's lots of people close together, and if it's a small town or city, it's the community gossip and how destructive that can actually be. So if you're a person of integrity, you're not going to be gossiping. You don't need to know, and it's not about your personal gain at the cost of others. And really, if you focus on the intention, it's always felt anyway, and it's going to be reflected back to you somehow. And I believe that the compound effect, or I like to call it even the positive ripple effect, what goes around comes around. And people make bad choices because we're all human, and that is part of this experience. So what I'm talking about is when it's intentional and it's on repeat. If you're surrounding yourself with people that gossip, talk about others, like to feel superior to others when they're talking about others, that is a sign of someone I'm not going to intentionally spend time with. Time is a gift, so ask yourself, how do you want to spend it? I believe that people that are around me when I'm aligned feel my energy, and it fills them up, and it also fills me up. So for me, I believe part of my purpose to be here and working with people my entire life, I was babysitting for families by the time I was 11 and helping out with my younger siblings prior to that. So I believe part of my purpose is to allow people to see themselves deeply. So when I'm aligned, I can be very intuitive, and I can be very wise. And I believe that's why at such a young age I was told on repeat that I was more mature than other people my age and that I was able to take on responsibility. And I look back now, and I just can't even imagine. I was so young. People were trusting me with their babies and their toddlers. And for long periods of time, I mean, I was doing this a lot. But there was something that I had that others could see. And now when I reflect back, it's making more sense because when I think about an 11-year-old and trusting somebody of that age to have taken care of my babies or my toddlers overnight and for weekends and day in and day out, I just, I guess, didn't really-- It wasn't even a consideration when I had kids. So what I want you to think about is where love starts. And if you're not living in survival mode, love starts with you. And if you want more love, you need to give more love. You're going to attract more when you give more. You're going to repel relationships and people around you when you're in that negative energy mindset. So an example that I love, because personally, in the times of my life where I just really needed to know I was supported, I appreciated the most, a card or a simple message that said whatever the person needed to say that was a positive message to let me know that they were thinking of me or supporting me, and there was no response needed. That lands in a way that I can't even explain unless you've been in that situation where you just knew that there were certain people, and some of them, quite honestly, when I think about it, I didn't even know some of these people well, and I just felt so loved and supported, and that feels better than any gift you could ever give. So ending this short but deep podcast episode, we're going to talk about gratitude. So writing it down daily. If you can't think of multiple things, write one thing down daily, and then look for the signs. They're everywhere, and they don't need to be big. They can be very simple. If you can't think of anything, think about the fact that your heart is still beating, that you have arms or legs that are functioning. You have clean water. And think about how you're giving love and how you want to receive love. So if people that you love are pulling away, remember to look in the mirror. Holding onto the past and repeating that same past version of yourself or expecting people to be or act how they did in the past, if that's the version that you prefer, isn't allowing them to go through their life journey the way that they need to. So it's about our own journeys and allowing people to choose. That's a gift. And if you desire it yourself, we want to make sure we're giving it to others. So it's that next small step. Maybe it's creating a new schedule for yourself, one that's more aligned. Maybe it's choosing better, healthier food. Maybe it's exercise. Maybe simply taking a five-minute walk versus an hour walk is all your body needs to make that next small step. Maybe it's simply turning off the TV. Maybe you've been sedentary or you default to just sitting, and your body really needs a little bit of motion. As women age, we lose muscle mass, and that can lead to osteoporosis and bone loss, so having that tension of lifting small weights and the resistance helps to maintain that muscle mass. So the takeaways for today are where do you focus your energy? Because your body will always tell you. It will be mirrored back to you, and it's pausing to actually notice. The next thing is misalignment. How do you act or react to stay safe? And you know deep down it doesn't feel right The last takeaway is it's about wisdom and integrity, and that does not come from forcing or shoulding, so that we are all free to make our choices, we are all free to not live in survival mode, and we are not suppressing what our inner desire is. Your inner desire is not the same as my inner desire. And once we all start realizing that we have different purposes, it's going to be a more loving place to be everywhere that you are, and it will be mirrored back to you. Have a wonderful day, mamas. Thank you so much for joining me today. If you found this episode helpful, please follow or subscribe to the Integrative Mother Experience on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen. That way you're notified of the new episodes coming up. I also just want to let you know your feedback really matters to me. I have a message from Erin Havenhair that says an interview episode, spoke to her soul. This is so helpful. And if you are ready to dive deeper, join a community of other supportive moms, or you just want to dive right in and start the membership, and you're ready to actually take that next step, you can go to theintegrativemotherexperience.com today. You can message me on Instagram @timewithsarahswift. Have a blessed day