30. Safety Survival Patterns: Feeling Unsupported & Recognizing Overfuctioning

Patterns repeat. When we notice a pattern that is not helpful, that is the first step. You can then choose to make a change. We are wired as humans to stay safe. This can allow us to choose familiar over alignment.

We are not all here to be the same, look the same and act the same. Shedding the layers will uncover your true aligned self. As mothers that want the best for their children, this is the greatest gift you can give them. In relationships, work and community, choosing to no longer react to everyone else's energy all day can create a positive ripple effect.

Resources for this episode:

-If you found value in this episode, please make sure to:

✨️Start here by going to my website, scroll down & sign up for my free T.I.M.E. Private Mamas Community. https://www.theintegrativemotherexperience.com

When you become part of my private community, this is where you will be invited to all my special experiences. My next Guided Experience starts after Labor Day when the kids go back to school.  

"It's always time to Choose Joy & Fulfillment," (just for Mamas like you that own a business/work in a service industry)

-Leave a review- it helps other Mamas find me

-Follow me on Instagram @timewithsarahswift

https://theintegrativemotherexperience.com

https://theintegrativemotherexperience.com

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Sarah Swift 0:05

Welcome to the Integrative Mother Experience Podcast. I'm your host, Sarah Swift. I've been married to my husband for 28 years, and we are raising three children. As a business owner since my early 20s, I am here having conversations about mamas wearing multiple hats, feeling like they need to choose between their work and their family because there isn't enough time for both. Time is an asset that we can't get back. It's the quality that matters. I can't wait for you to join me. It's so interesting how life shows us so many signs, and we either choose to ignore them or we step into them with courage and trust that we know God has us. And this week, I've had so many amazing signs, signs I couldn't ignore. And I think everything that led up to this last week is really the catalyst. And then with that, I had the courage to take that next best step. When we allow this to happen and we shed the layers, it's not really about becoming someone different as much as it is coming back to ourselves, coming back to who we always were, and just shedding all the extras, taking that huge weight off. And that's what I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling like I really had one of the biggest conversations with the man that I love so deeply. And I may go into more of the details about that in future episodes, but really what I talk about in today's episode is about acknowledging and having the conversation. And that's what I've done. I've done the work. I've noticed the patterns. And then I had the courage to let someone know what I've noticed and how that has made me feel and how that unalignment has been creating a ripple effect and a pattern that I can now see so very clearly. And what happens when we become aligned, we allow others to feel that aligned energy, and then they also can heal and to step into that energy for themselves. And that's the lesson that I really want you to consider and think about when you're done listening to this episode. We can't change other people. We can't change things that have happened or choices that we made. But we do have choices every day in the now how we are going to choose to feel. And what we have control over is very little. It's ourselves, our bodies, and the knowledge of what's actually going on. And if things are dysregulated, then we have a choice if we have the right guidance and tools to use them and to come back to yourself, come back to that natural baseline of alignment and what your soul was actually meant to do. Welcome back, beautiful mamas. Today's episode is going to be a deep one. This is going to be the one where... Like the label on your hot sauce. This is spicy. Caution. So before we begin, I just want to say this is going to be deep, I'm going to be vulnerable, and the whole point is I hope this helps. So let's dive in. The episode is going to be about survival patterns and the safety, the safety of being supported and not over-functioning And when we talk about patterns, really the first thing is recognizing a pattern. When you pause and you go back and reflect, for me, I like to write things down. That's really when things are clear to me. But however this works for you, maybe it's having conversations with friends or loved ones, trying to reminisce about certain things from your past. Maybe it's thinking about your career or jobs, big decisions in your life, patterns, patterns that seem to repeat. And when there is a survival pattern of feeling not safe, for some of us, it makes us feel like we have to over-function, and because we feel not supported, it brings up a feeling of it's all up to us. And this pattern is not a pattern that is healthy, and for me, I've had this pattern for so long that I can see it show up really clearly in things like my phone storage. So when my phone storage gets so full I can't even take a photo anymore, I know that I've taken on too much, and I've likely taken on too many things that aren't even mine, and it's time to pause. I will see the inbox in my multiple email accounts having emails that are important, and they're opened or just missed completely. I especially will miss messages if they are sent by text, so I have put that expectation in my business to make sure that at least it comes into the proper email box. But when I get completely overwhelmed, sometimes even that will be overlooked. I recently had, a conversation with my best friend over text, and we were trying to set up time to spend together. And it was really funny because it was clear that I was-- my plate was too full, and I was trying to take on too much. And I completely had the wrong weekend a few weekends ago, and we laughed about it, and we got together during the right weekend, which was phenomenal. but it is a pattern that is not normal for me, and so when I talk about the patterns of being unaligned and feeling unsupported, these are the patterns that are not healthy, and those that care about you notice them, and those that are willing to be supportive will help you work through. Sometimes people that care about you will notice things, but they don't have the capacity to do anything about it because they are so unregulated themselves, and they can't get beyond what they have to do for their own nervous systems. So keep that in mind. So for me, asking for help for so long didn't feel safe, and the narrative of it's all up to me kept repeating over and over again. And as I started really acknowledging patterns and working on all of the mindset and modalities that I have for my spiritual, mental, and physical health, I noticed that reciprocity was often not there, and that meaning the mutual exchange. So I would typically take on more, and I'd be fine with taking less so that somebody else could have more. And until I recognized the destruction of this pattern in many different ways, both to my finances, my physical health, my emotional health, how I felt about situations and relationships, it was just normal because it didn't feel safe for me, and I didn't want to rock the boat. And when fear is what's leading the show, it's interesting because if you notice those types of relationships, you'll notice that other people aren't fully listening, or asking you to share, and then really listening when you do decide that it's safe enough to share. And so those are some of the things that keep us in these survival patterns of feeling unsupported. And then when we feel unsupported, those of us that have these patterns tend to over-function, and it is just how we feel safe. So for example, if someone has the energy that it's all about them, I think we've all met plenty of people in our lives that you would agree that these people are just known for having that type of energy. Well, then they may expect everybody to help them or be there for them, or it's just the way that they do things, so they get a pass on everything. But they don't realize how one-sided it actually feels to others. And if you have been the person that always tries to fix everything and takes on that type of energy, it can be very emotionally draining. And when people make excuses for them, or maybe because people lead with fear and their aggressive energy, or even they have a poor me victim mentality, and everybody should feel sorry for themselves, and this just keeps repeating on and on, and that's the excuse of why they can't lead in the role they're supposed to lead in, in whatever way that may be. And it's interesting because the irony in that is that they're actually not deeply respected. And this can show up in so many different areas. It can show up in business. It can show up with sporting teams in leadership roles, in teaching roles, in households, in families. There's so many ways that you can have that ironic, not respected pattern. And the people that actually want the respect have no idea because they are just so stuck in these patterns of either victim, poor me, and it's a narrative that continues. So of course, there are situations where people need help, and that's not what I'm talking about. But I'm talking about when it goes on and on, and they're not finding the help that they need to fulfill whatever role or situation it is that they are called to do. And so maybe they need to, in those cases, step down from that role or seek help. You know, maybe it is truly something that goes even deeper, and, they really do need help. So what happens is when you have a repelling energy, it actually blocks love from coming in, respect, and money. And I think people don't realize this, and so they wonder, "Well, why do things like this always happen to me?" And really, when you look back at the patterns, it becomes very clear when there's a repelling energy and when there's a block and people are in unalignment. And unalignment can go on and on for years and years, decades and decades, or it can be really like you're unaligned for a really short period of time because it really depends on how aware you are and the tools that you use to regulate your energy and to become aligned again. And some of us that are aware of tools and we're aware of our patterns have a better ability when things get hard to get back to that basic reset. So for me, again, I'm just going to use myself as an example because, again, I said this episode is going to be spicy, and I'm going to get really vulnerable here so that you can feel safe to feel like you're not alone and that there are options and it doesn't have to continue on and on. I tend to freeze and then I feel overwhelmed and then I get burned out and it just repeats. It goes on repeat. So several years ago when I really had a hardship and I recognized this pattern deeply, I started working on it and I started working on it in a different way. So instead of just trying to put the bandaid on with healing modalities or tools, I started actually looking deeper into relationships and patterns and what I actually needed to do to change and starting with myself, looking in the mirror and actually realizing that what my energy is and what I need and how I expect others to Understand what I'm asking and what I'm not available for also starts with me understanding myself. You cannot control other people's behaviors and actions. That is just something I know deeply. I have worked in the service industry essentially my entire life. I've been an older sister, a younger sister. I did a lot, a lot of babysitting, so I had a lot of experience with families, children, and parents, and then worked in so many different service roles my entire life. So I'm very familiar with different employee and boss situations and definitely the general public. And so energy is something that I have felt a lot of. And I have known about myself that I tend to have this, I got it" type. I will fix it. I got it. No problem. I'm here for it." And then it's interesting because when I pile on too much, then I feel bitter, and it's because my desire and expectations weren't clear from the beginning. And it's that fear and that self-sabotage of, "I just don't want to disappoint anyone." And I also do know where that comes from, and I'm not going to go into that today. But recognizing the patterns helps you to break them. And truly My survival pattern of fixing and it's all up to me was really activated again, severely right after I got married. And I took on something that was my husband's, not mine. And the pattern that had continued was so obvious. But as life continued to be lifey, as it is, and we had other things occur, as everybody has things that occur in their lives. But we had several massive layoffs. We had severe sicknesses, affecting my husband and then later after a pregnancy and during some of my pregnancies as well, actually, myself. And we had multiple accidents that, affected my husband, and then we dealt with major loss and trauma. So we've kind of been through the gamut, and I feel like I have a lot of compassion and a lot of area because I've really experienced a lot. And I do have empathy because of this. But because I took it on as mine to fix, it never allowed him to really fully step into his responsibility. And I haven't felt safe. And that's what I was really noticing lately because the time of the year that we're in and the energy that we're in right now with the Virgo energy. I could feel so many things piling on this summer, and I was working through a lot of things to the best of my ability. But once I know something, I can't un-know it, and I naturally absorb emotional energy from others. That is part of my design. And so that's something that I really stepped back from in my salon business because not only physically was it draining me and my shoulders just couldn't do it anymore, I realized that my creativity was gone when it wasn't doing the type of work that I wanted to do and that I enjoyed doing and felt I was best qualified for. But also, I had so many energies around me, and it was too much. I was taking it all on, and therefore, I really couldn't do my best work. I couldn't feel my best, and I feel that others will feel that from me because I'm there to be a service provider. And I also realized that my family wasn't getting the best of me, and I wasn't feeling good. So knowing all of this and making massive changes that were amazing and wonderful and no regrets at all, and that happened years ago now and continues to evolve in a very positive way. It was interesting that this overwhelm that I was feeling lately was something I still needed to address. And I learned from myself and the way that God made me that it helps me with boundaries when I say no, when I actually feel like I can't deliver or I don't want to pile more on. So I had deep conversations, very lately with a few people that I deeply trust. People that are very much there to fully listen, not judge, and they know how to help. And it was the most powerful thing that I could have done for myself and then for others, just to deeply understand that it's not all up to me. And even though intellectually I've known this all along, that emotional pattern continued on in me, and it's a pattern that I'm choosing to break. And I'm making a decision just like I made a decision in my business during the year of COVID that massive changes were going to happen or I wasn't going to have that business anymore. And at that point I was okay with it, and that's how I felt this summer. I felt like there was too much and I was okay with letting some things go. I just wanted to have clarity on what that looked like and having full support that I was safe to make that decision and either way it was going to be okay. Something needed to change and I had to have those conversations. So it led to having space to reset again, and I'm so thankful for that. It was one of the most deepest conversations that finally happened after all of this, this past weekend with my husband, and it was so beautiful. It just was transformative, I think is the word I'm going to use. I was very clear, and I was clear on my desires from the very beginning, but I was clear on how I wasn't feeling safe and that I'm not here to fix everything anymore. Like, it's something I'm not taking on any longer, and this is what I need, this is what I'm here for, and this is what I can provide, and this is what I can give. And I just can't believe how powerful that was. Speaking things really clearly really makes a difference, and you can't necessarily assume somebody understands until you have those really deep, clear conversations. And you can't have those conversations until you've been in the stillness and really took the time to unwind and understand the patterns that you've been doing on repeat And I know this work is deep, and I know it's not easy because I've done the work, and I'm still doing the work, and I think I will forever be doing some kind of work because I love evolving into the best possible version of myself and understanding what God put me here to do. And some of the people that I trusted to talk to knew deeply about what I'm here to do, and it empowered me to also understand myself in a way that wasn't coming from any form of lack. It was coming from a place of better understanding, and that just makes everybody around me feel better as well. And when we are regulated, and we are feeling like we're living in purpose, and we're feeling the best that we can, we mirror that back to others. So I hope that this really helped, and I hope that if there's areas in your life that you're not feeling safe, you can really dive into the causes and the conversations that you may need to have. And the thing I do want to say also is you can't do somebody else's work. And this I know. And I tried so many years to take on everybody else's problems because I could feel it, and I could see patterns, and I do recognize energy on a deeper level than I would say most because I am designed to be more emotional, and I am sensitive. But that isn't a bad thing. But it also doesn't mean it's my job. My job is to stay in my lane and to work on myself, regulate myself so I can do what's best for me, and that's actually what's best for others around me. And habits can be undone, and new ones can be formed. So the next step is take action, and then we can repeat it. So my takeaways for today are recognize the patterns by going back. Notice over-functioning and how it keeps you from investing in yourself and growing. And see the patterns and have the courage to have the conversations which also empowers others to step into their own alignment. Have a blessed day, mothers. Thank you so much for joining me today. If you found this episode helpful, please follow or subscribe to the Integrative Mother Experience on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen. That way you're notified of the new episodes coming up. I also just want to let you know your feedback really matters to me. I have a message from @erinhavenhair that says an interview episode, "spoke to her soul". This is so helpful. And if you are ready to dive deeper, join a community of other supportive moms, or you just want to dive right in and start the membership, and you're ready to actually take that next step, you can go to theintegrativemotherexperience.com today. You can message me on Instagram at timewithsarahswift. Have a blessed day