26. Toxic Relationships Signs: Is It Time for a New Beginning?

Toxic relationships can show up in several ways. We discuss the seven key signs. Allowing God's divine timing to bring people into our lives and releasing the relationship if it becomes toxic to your well-being is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. The feminine desires nurture and allowing the masculine to lead with integrity and safety creates a balance where control can be released.

New beginnings can feel scary. Supporting those you care about in a loving, trusting environment creates safety for healing. New doors are able to open. If someone is healing from extreme trauma, the familiar can feel especially safe. This isn't always the best relationship if toxic behaviors are allowed to avoid change and growth. 

When we evolve and want the best for those we love, control isn't an issue. Owning 100% of our part of a disagreement is normal. Physical comfort through a safe loving embrace feels desirable and comforting.

Resources for this episode:

-If you found value in this episode, please make sure to:

✨️Start here by going to my website, scroll down & sign up for my free T.I.M.E. Private Mamas Community. https://www.theintegrativemotherexperience.com

When you become part of my private community, this is where you will be invited to all my special experiences. My next Guided Experience starts after Labor Day when the kids go back to school.  

"It's always time to Choose Joy & Fulfillment," (just for Mamas like you that own a business/work in a service industry)

-Leave a review- it helps other Mamas find me

-Follow me on Instagram @timewithsarahswift

https://theintegrativemotherexperience.com

https://theintegrativemotherexperience.com

Transcript

Sarah Swift 0:15

Welcome to the Integrative Mother Experience Podcast. I'm your host, Sarah Swift, wife of twenty-eight years and mother of three teenagers. I want to have conversations about why so many mamas wearing multiple hats, working, serving others, or owning a business, especially in the beauty industry, feel like they need to choose between their work and their family, and they don't have enough quality time. We'll also uncover causes of overwhelm, lack of wellbeing, and joy. I'm here with over three decades of experience working in the beauty industry, owning several types of businesses starting in my early twenties, and sharing stories to help other mothers avoid that feeling of always missing out. I'm also here with solutions. Time is an asset that we can't get back. I can't wait to dive into these deep conversations. I hope you will join me. Welcome back, beautiful mamas. In today's episode, we are going to dive deeper into love. Now, we've talked about relationships, we've talked about spreading love with a ripple effect, and we've never really discussed what I'm going to discuss today. And included in today's episode, we're going to actually go over the seven key signs to a toxic relationship. So let's dive in So when I say toxic, it feels like a very negative, strong word, and it really is something that I think we have to be aware of for our loved ones, whether that be our children or coworkers, friends, relatives, or ourselves for that matter. But it is really important. I've noticed this with people around me that I care deeply about, and it was really interesting when I was diving a little bit deeper into the subject for today. And it really did bring home a lot of things that I've seen as patterns. So toxic as in draining and disrespect and lack of support. I've talked about in previous episodes about the reason, season, lifetime of relationships, and I do believe that that is true. And I also believe that there's lessons to be learned in every relationship. And so we don't have to think about it as necessarily negative if we can use those lessons in a positive way moving forward because, of course, the time is always now. And when you think about the past, it's actually not happening anymore. It's your memory reliving it in the now. So as part of that, if we have learned lessons and we really think about being able to let go and the fact that maybe it's just a soul contract that is now over with. Maybe for some reason, God had this person come into your life, and now it's time to let them go. The contract is up. It served the purpose that it was meant to serve, and you don't need to hold on anymore. I think that the problem is a lot of times patterns just repeat because they feel comfortable. But really, I've talked about this before too, when people repeatedly keep showing you the same negative patterns, and in this episode, we're talking about toxic relationships. If these patterns are really negative and they're emotionally draining and not good for your mental health and maybe even physical health, if they keep showing you these behaviors, you have to believe them. Everybody has the ability to change, but it's not your job to change someone, and it's not your responsibility to wait for somebody to change. It may be the most beautiful thing that you can do to just realize that you learned a lesson from it and let go and move on. True love doesn't act out of control anyway. So if you have trust and you know that the lessons are there, it's another person respecting the other person's freedom to choose their own path, and that can be in many different ways. Recently, we were celebrating one of my children is moving on to the next stage in their life, and we hosted a celebration, and it was beautiful. It was a lot of work, and I realized after the fact I didn't even put out our yard games. And I felt badly about it, but again, you know, now is the time and nothing I can do about it. We saw rain in the forecast, and the last time we hosted a celebration like this for another child of mine, it rained repeatedly that day. So our intentions on having boat rides and other activities outside were in this small window where it wasn't raining. And again, I just really wasn't thinking about it because it had started raining again, and then it did clear up and I thought about it afterwards. And although the, the party was really wonderful in so many ways, I'm like, "I didn't even put out, any of our activities." You know, people had great conversations, and that was wonderful. but I just realized that I was so focused on making sure the other details of the food and the decorations and everybody having a place to park, because that's an issue where we live, were taken care of, so that was my focus. And so knowing that we have this new chapter coming, and each of my children actually have new chapters coming really soon, so I've been really focusing on that this summer. And it is really beautiful, but I can feel a little bit of that uneasiness, which is very normal. And new beginnings do bring on a little bit of that stress of the unknown And with that, I try to be the grounding source of calm that my children know that they can come to me, they can talk to me, and that I have to release the control in our relationships to over ask questions and to give advice as needed, but not to overly control what they're deciding to do in every situation. And I've seen a pattern of, like I said, toxic relationships for those that I love, and I even have some experience in my own life on this as well, but recently a pattern just really showed up again for somebody that I love deeply, and I thought it was really the perfect time to talk about it today. especially because when you're healing by the feeling of emotions, you have to be able to let out your anger, your hurt, feel the love, have the empathy, and not everybody is fully equipped to do this depending upon where they are, and I've worked so hard in all these areas, but I can really see where it's not necessarily developed in everybody that I care about. And so they may not fully recognize what's going on. So I'm going to list the seven most known toxic behaviors, and maybe you have experienced this yourself or noticed this in a relationship with somebody that you love. Maybe it's not all seven. Maybe it's one. Maybe it's a few. But I think it's worth discussing because if this is happening in someone's life that you love or in your own, it may be time to really evaluate if it's time to spread your wings and fly to that new beginning. So we're going to start with number one, and this is in, just in the order that I decided to list them. So blame shifting. And this would be if every argument ends with you taking the blame, even if you did nothing wrong And recently I noticed that this was definitely the case in the person that I care about in the relationship is there was fear. And so I repeatedly asked the person, Tell me again what happened and what are you apologizing for?" And although there were a few things, it was really interesting because there is a pattern of the blame shifting, and I just think that apologizing is a beautiful thing, but I've also talked about in previous episodes everybody taking 100% responsibility for their own. And that really truly means that sometimes you just don't get an apology, and you just have to really let that person be who they are, and that may mean stepping away because they are not ready to and may never be ready to accept 100% of their responsibility, and that may be whatever portion that it is. Number two is zero emotional safety. So you feel stressed, unhappy, and emotionally exhausted more than you feel loved. I think this is especially dangerous if somebody that you love has been through any kind of major trauma because they need emotional safety more than anything, and if they don't have that emotional safety by people that they're in a relationship with, then that can become even more dangerous than a regular relationship without trauma. Number three, controlling behavior, so tracking time, phone, and limiting choices. An example for this may be the person not wanting you to spend time with people outside of them, or your friends, or other family members. Or maybe, I've seen this example recently, where they can talk to whoever they want and have whoever they want on their phone, and it can even be of the opposite sex, but it's not allowed for you. And that's so interesting to me because that's not reciprocal, and that's very controlling, and I think that that's something that we definitely have to be able to notice for our loved ones is, does it go both ways? That could also lead into some of our past episodes when we talked about trust. Number four, the partner uses contempt, mockery, or insults to put you down instead of calmly addressing problems. So this is also very interesting because if there isn't reciprocal respect and the emotional maturity of the other person and isn't fully developed and maybe quite honestly never will be, you know, hard to know, they may not be able to address a situation with calm advice or a conversation that simply says, "I really don't like it when you do or say these things. I would really prefer this." And there is a way you can address that with people, especially if you're seeing a pattern of things that they're doing or saying that isn't healthy for them and/or your relationship. I mean, that's actually being very loving. And so you wouldn't use contempt or mockery or insults on a regular basis. Number five, isolation. So that's making you feel guilty for seeing friends and family. So a little bit similar to, you know, the controlling behavior. But where I think this is interesting also is if you feel like there's isolation, then I guess I would have to question why is there isolation? Is it because they lack the social skills to be around other people and do things with other people because maybe they want you all to themselves? Or is it more of a trust issue where there's a lack of trust? And sometimes, interestingly enough, I'm seeing this also, is people are not as trusting because they have a pattern that they're repeating, and so they fear that pattern in the other person. And so that's really interesting. Definitely not looking at their own behavior or behaviors because they know the possibility is there, and so they're projecting that onto you. And number six, gaslighting. So the partner denies or twists the truth so that you doubt your own memory or sanity. So I think when alcohol is involved or you're in situations of extreme stress, it might be a little bit different in those situations because your memory may be impaired. But when you're talking about just normal, everyday memory and everything's getting twisted in a way that you're doubting what you said or what you believe, and it's all to the favor of the other person's beliefs or story. And you're wondering if you were imagining it or if, you know, it really did occur the way that you remembered. And if it's gaslighting, that's actually the other person twisting it to their favor. And then number seven is walking on eggshells. So you hide your true thoughts and you watch what you say to prevent a fight. So I thought this one was interesting too because I think keeping peace to a certain extent means that we're not always being reactive and saying everything on our minds, because that can be, in my opinion, that can be too much also. But if this is a constant where you really truly feel like you can't say what you feel because a fight is going to occur, then I understand why it's in one of these toxic relationship categories because you would never really truly feel free to be yourself, and that doesn't feel authentic at all. So hopefully this is helpful. Hopefully if you're experiencing any of this in a relationship or somebody that you love, you're seeing this in their relationship. I think that we can be good loving friends or family members to people around us just by noticing and being there for them if you're noticing that this is happening. So moving on to another part of the conversation is just about the desire is there as long as there's work to do. And when I say this, I'm talking about your God-given desire. So your job to discover what it is that you're here to do, the work that God has planned for you. Because if you're here another day, he has a plan for you today. And that's what I believe. And I believe in divine timing deeply. And with that, I believe that we all deserve to have reciprocal respect and to feel safe. At a recent wedding that I was at, I had the pleasure of talking to someone that is in a relationship with somebody that I care about, and it was a beautiful conversation, and I really felt happy for the person that I love that this person seems really wonderful, really genuine, and truly feel like they will bring safety and respect to the relationship. And that was beautiful because for this person that I care about deeply, they have not had a lot of this in the past. And so it just made me feel even more excited that I was seeing this new pattern. And I think that we have to remember this is always possible. It's up to us to make the decisions to put our own well-being in the forefront, and that is a ripple effect for our children and those around us, because that includes relationships. And when you bring another person into your life, not only does it affect you, but if you have children, it affects them. And if you have family members, if you're getting together often, it's going to affect get-togethers that way and even get-togethers with your friends. So it's almost like having a puzzle and you have that last piece that's been missing, that desire, that feeling that something's just missing. I'm not quite sure what it is, but if we consider that it's our job to follow that desire, and it's a soul desire put forth from God, then we'll know when it feels like we're doing what is soul aligned. One of my books that I like to refer to, it was so interesting because today it actually said, "Keep not ill company, lest you increase the number." And I really think that that is so true because who you spend time with really does affect the way you feel. And if your emotions are affecting you in a negative way, that can actually manifest in your body, so that has a very negative ripple effect. And here's something else that I read that I really thought was great. It says, "A seed doesn't betray other seeds when it blooms as a flower." Yeah, I've spoke to this before. Things in nature, animals and plants, they're just doing what they're here to do. They're not go betraying other flowers or plants or animals. They're just doing what their job is. And if we're doing our soul alignment work and we're really being our true selves and our best selves, then we're not looking to the left and to the right for validation. And part of healing, if healing is needed, it may involve a new set of behaviors. So if that's the case, if you're healing from a trauma or you're healing emotionally from something, you really do have to think about your relationships. And if you can't afford to risk having somebody in your life because it's a toxic relationship, then you really need to release it because that's not going to allow you to heal the way you need to heal. There was a word that I came upon, which the Latin meaning is looking inside, and it is Introception. So I really liked this. It's self-awareness of the inside, not the outside. And that is so true if you think about everything starting from the inside. That's where we have control because it comes from the inside. And if you're reacting to everything around you from the outside, that's just exhausting, and you really don't have control of it anyway. So I think that when people are afraid of their own feelings, they're allowing people and circumstances from the outside to basically rule their day. So they're just putting one fire out after the other or reacting. And I've known this, but I read how a firm embrace or a reassuring voice can calm us, especially if we've gone through trauma. And I really liked this because I've actually used this with my children in very traumatizing and stressful situations and even done, like, a gentle holding and rocking back and forth. And we can do this in our relationships with our spouses or partners, too. Think about how safe you feel in the arms of your loved one. And that also was brought to my attention recently by this person that I love, that I believe is going back and forth with a toxic relationship, is they mentioned how, they were trying to have that embrace, and the other person basically used words to say, Get off me, you're suffocating me," so to speak. Maybe not those exact words, but imagine how that would feel. So now you're not even feeling physically safe and embraced, but you're feeling like you're just a burden, and that must emotionally really hurt. And so I think people underestimate what a firm hug, handshake, or in this case even like a gentle holding feels like to a partner in a true aligned relationship. So in acute trauma situations, people really need the familiar, the familiar people, voices, physical contact. They need that to feel safe and feel like they have a place to be, a place to sleep gently and heal. And I think that this is just underestimated as well because when people are healing from things and then they don't feel safe or relationships that they had prior to the trauma, they start to disintegrate or become toxic, that sense of safety with that person is now lost, and that is even more traumatizing to them. And so I think if you're noticing that in a situation for anybody you love, just trying to be there even more and filling that space, so to speak, so that that void maybe isn't quite as big. And lastly, I'm going to end this episode with a relationship that's healthy. So I just want to talk about masculine and feminine energy a little bit. And when you have a good relationship, the match complements with the masculine being nurturing, and that is so that the female energy can receive and fully step into herself. And I think this is just so interesting because really, it's a safety issue as well. And if the feminine energy doesn't feel safe, they don't feel safe to do what they're here to do, and they don't feel safe to fully receive and step into their energy, they are going to try to control and maybe have more of that masculine type energy because they're not receiving it, and it's not a good match. It's not like the yin and the yang. And truly, that's what I believe is the relationship that I personally desire and I believe is what God wants for us. And whether or not we choose to have a little bit of both, it's the alignment that I'm speaking to, and that's my understanding of this, is that the match is complemented, so that one person doesn't have to overstep into the other role. It's like a scale that's balanced on both sides, if you will. If you need an analogy, that's what I'm picturing when I'm thinking of it. So to end this episode, we'll just have a little bit of a takeaway, and that is new beginnings. So new beginnings might mean new relationships, and that might mean you are stepping into a new role. Maybe you're moving. Maybe you're, going to start a new education journey, and maybe it's your children. I have a child that's learning to drive right now, so that's a whole new beginning, and I have another child that is going to have a new place to live in their college journey, so no more college dorm. And yet another child that has a brand-new beginning in a new city with new people, and I couldn't be more excited for all three of them. Have a blessed day, mamas. Thank you so much for joining me today. If you found this episode helpful, please follow or subscribe to the Integrative Mother Experience. That way you won't miss out on future episodes. Feel free to share it with another mom if you think that it would be helpful. You can also start today by grabbing my free checklist or joining my free private Time Mama community, which is on my website, theintegrativemotherexperience.com. Scroll down, enter your name and email, and you will start receiving the information right away to start connecting with other moms. Follow me on Instagram. You can DM me there @timewithsarahswift. Have a joy-filled day.